One Year Ago

One year ago:

* My oncologist said my tumor numbers were outstanding. He asked me if I could go an entire year without seeing him. Scary, but it has been over a year. I go today for a "check-up". I am nervous, I'm shingled, itchy, quivering from the inside out, blurry, my teeth are set tight, my shoulders, back and neck are set tight. My eyes are are swollen from tears that flowed freely yesterday. I did my best to make everyone miserable. I succeeded. I don't like this person going in for a check up today. I dont' feel like being checked. Going into that waiting room used to be a source of strength; I was one of them. Bald, nauseous, proud, strong, hopeful. Those were the days. I was at the top of my game then. Today I'll be a "visitor in my own home" and it's really wierd. I hope the Angel of Inspiration and New Found Spirit comes to visit me there. They are probably not expecting me, I haven't shown any interest in flying high with them lately. Anything can happen.......or nothing. It's not just a check-up for me. It's medical validation that I'm good to go. I want to make this my last day looking over my shoulder. I'm missing what's in front of me right now.